When I returned to school after my mission, I moved back into the dorms. I had my own bedroom, and shared a bathroom with just one other guy. It was a pretty nice setup. Except he was horrible. He was a drama major with minor talent. He would rehearse in his room and I couldn’t believe how awful he was. Evidently, neither could he – he would eventually leave the program because they didn’t "respect him."

He was gross. He was loud. He left his underwear on the towel rack:

His room was a mess, which was fine with me. Note the unicycle. Yep. He was that guy.

I remember bringing a friend over one night. We entered through the outer door into the common area. On the floor was a giant adult diaper. It, and the floor around it, has hastily been painted green. Later I learned he was constructing a Kermit the Frog costume – that was to be the only component.

The friend didn’t believe my stories about how ridiculous he was. So I wrote the email below, with the attachment:

Read this first before looking at the PDF.

First, a little background. I had come home from class one day to find our commode out of service. Seems someone substituted big-ol’ paper towels for more flushable varieties of papers. I was bothered by the sight, but perhaps more disturbed by the fact that someone had left it. Someone? I mean Richard. So I put together a little note for my dear roommate, and posted it on his door. It went something like this:

Richard,

I came home today to find quite a mess. The hair which covers the bathroom and clogs the shower drain is one thing, but the toilet thing is just plain disgusting. You can do whatever you like in your room, but don’t be discourteous in the common areas. I expect the toilet to be fixed immediately and the bathroom to be cleaned.

– Derek

I was pretty terse, direct and even commanding. But I had to be. It was gross. Really gross.

So his response is in the PDF (but keep reading). It actually has 2 letters. The first came right away. In scanning it, I tried to preserve the adhesive that he used to post it on my door. You’ll see it at the top. The first letter is 2 pages. I got the letter, but the toilet still hadn’t been fixed. RIDICULOUS. That night, I was about to fall asleep when I started hearing lots of cursing coming from the bathroom. Here’s a transcript of what I heard:

Ohh man.. ohh man.. so sick!

Why?! (*&#@%

<flush>

NOOOOO! NO NO NO NO! STOP!! OHH PLEASE STOP!

<sound of water spilling onto floor>

*&#^@% *&@^#%*&#@ #@*&%@#*&%

NOOOO, COME ON! STOP! PLEASE!! OHH MAN!!

I wanted to laugh, but managed to hold it in. Finally, the scales of justice were swinging my way. The next day I found letter #2 stuck to my door. And I learned how he had fixed the commode: he went to a hotel, acted as a guest and asked to borrow a plunger. He never returned it.

As the letter states, he did clean the bathroom. Did a good job too.

So here are the letters.

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